Navigating Social Circles and Mental Health

Off Topic
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The simplest way to put this is that I’m exhausted. It feels like we are fighting a losing battle and things keep getting worse.

  • Age Verification for OS’ (so far just in California but I could see it spread) and pretty much all mainstream user facing platforms in the coming future, and it’s happening globally
  • Meta’s Smart Glasses making me feel always on alert in public
  • Ring Doorbells supposedly being used as a surveillance network for ICE
  • Google locking Android down and preventing app installation on our own hardware
  • Flock cameras’ used for surveillance and their misuse of data
  • RAM and SSD prices going up because of data centers
  • Global Tensions and War
    I could go on… but I’ll stop here because it gets off topic

One thing that is particularly that hurts is that most people aren’t aware of this, so I have literally no one to talk to about this besides my cat. And the worse part is, even if you tell others, they either accept it as the “new norm” and just carry on, or they call you paranoid and criticize you for hiding stuff. Even when that argument is countered with a valid one like privacy and secrecy aren’t the same thing, they still won’t change their opinion and ultimately shut you out.

I feel so ostracized in every social space I’m in whether it be with family, friends, or work. Even in the dating space, when someone asks for my Insta or Whatsapp, they immediately assume the worst when I say I don’t have them. For some reason it’s become a red flag to desire an offline and simple life?

Side note: I have yet to find another person IRL who even knows that GrapheneOS even is, I don’t think I’ll ever meet another person who actually uses it.

I’ve been to several therapists and don’t get me wrong, they try to understand my concerns and how it impacts me, but they truly can’t understand how isolating and alone it feels to live this way of life.

Ever since I’ve fallen down the privacy rabbit hole, I analyze everything; what new apps I install, who I allow to take photos of me, what countries and places I visit, etc. I have a somewhat flexible threat model, and I do use some privacy invasive services, but at least I am in control and fully understand the risks of using certain services. Part of me wishes I never became aware of these issues, I feel cursed with it.

Also, I know my thoughts are all over the place, and I don’t even know if this is the right place to post this and I apologize if not, but I needed to let it out somewhere.

Do you have any advice on living this way of life without letting it eat away at me?

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Yes, I basically filter out anything relating to culture or people and focus on my own personal roadmap. Doing that reclaims all of the resources previously expended towards external entities and I empower myself to achieve results on my own instead:

This means every waking moment I have an existential purpose to personally fulfill, and self-discipline is required in order to continue snowballing my momentum:

If you want to know the exact catalyst for my digital sovereignty journey, here is the blog article from Kyle Rankin that started it:

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Hey

First off, I’ll just say that I think it’s a good thing to keep up with current events, but on the other hand, nobody who is constantly reading the news is very happy. In addition, what’s important to internalize is that the only thing you can control is yourself; you can’t control other people. This is mainly meant in response to people buying Ring doorbells and people’s obsession with smart glasses for some reason, but particularly focusing on your own privacy wins makes caring about privacy more sustainable in the long run. And, well, especially not feeling a personal loss for a systemic issue.

Non-privacy related bad news does suck, I’ll agree

Not something I’m really able to gauge, but people will be more open to accepting the things you have to say if:

  • you don’t make yourself oppositional to them
    • “privacy and secrecy aren’t the same thing” is a true statement, but it both takes time to truly digest what it means (more time than is allowed in a real life conversation), and positions you as “against” them. People are unparalleled rationalization machines, and they are more likely to rationalize themselves if they’re arguing, as their pride is at risk and feel shame upon a “loss.” For example, imagine how I could’ve phrased my response to you, compared to how I did.
  • they know you just a little bit better before you get into the weeds
    • engage in some simple small talk. People may (unfairly) presume bad intentions if you say you don’t have an Instagram account because they think you’re lying, especially if you’re using a dating app (which is also not something I can gauge). People like that are a rarity on dating apps.

Many of my peers are not remotely as privacy-conscious as I am, but this is how I’ve been able to spread the gospel just a little bit with them. Sometimes even more than just a little bit! I was able to get my entire immediate family to message me through Signal. I didn’t mention any of its privacy or security benefits (at least, not off the bat), I simply started by mentioning that it’s far superior in UX compared to what we were using (SMS), which it is easily.

Unfortunately, all of that said, it’s also possible that you just got a really bad batch of people. To find good people, good people must also find you.

Side note: I wasn’t really able to get a good judge of your character through this post or your other posts, so it’s totally possible I made some wrong assumptions about you, do let me know if so.

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Right, I forgot to mention about the social events I attend every month:

Specifically, I attend the VanLUG Linux Link at Surrey event to broadly address Linux installation and technical support issues, but there is plenty of opportunities to talk about Linux-adjacent news:

VanCitySec is where I talk about the progress I have made on my projects to others, and occasionally where I facilitate impromptu locksport workshops for the public.

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We are at this point. I would say to make your peace with it getting worse from here. Every era had its risks and drawbacks. The work of privacy advocates still makes a difference, especially in terms of mitigating risk for the most vulnerable.

It also helps to be realistic about your personal risk level. I would probably not have any issues if I lived like a typical person, especially if I limited social media use and used adblocking. I’ve also accidentally left my apartment door unlocked at night as a woman living alone and had no issues. I’ll keep locking my door if I have the option and have made a habit of checking it, but people survive much bigger risks every day.

One thing that is particularly that hurts is that most people aren’t aware of this, so I have literally no one to talk to about this besides my cat. And the worse part is, even if you tell others, they either accept it as the “new norm” and just carry on, or they call you paranoid and criticize you for hiding stuff.

Yes, this is a human bias. People in a dangerous city in Mexico I know often say you will have no problems as long as you stay away from drugs and avoid getting involved with cartels or expressing opinions about them. It isn’t true that this guarantees their safety, but it’s the most they can do and works most of the time. Lying to themselves lets them focus on all their day to day responsibilities they can influence instead. You are having emotional trouble partially due to not doing this.

Privacy Guides does a good job encouraging people to make smaller changes they are comfortable with. It doesn’t change that some people don’t have the emotional bandwidth to make any changes. People are stressed and overworked as a rule.

I feel so ostracized in every social space I’m in whether it be with family, friends, or work. Even in the dating space, when someone asks for my Insta or Whatsapp, they immediately assume the worst when I say I don’t have them. For some reason it’s become a red flag to desire an offline and simple life?

This is more reasonable than you might think when it comes to dating apps. Dating someone who isn’t vetted by your social group is rather high risk. This is especially true if they are a woman dating a man, but really for anyone.

If you aren’t on social media they know less about you. If you use private communications, there are fewer repercussions if you do something bad. You are also showing yourself to be someone who doesn’t engage in even the pretense adhering to certain social norms, so it’s reasonable to worry about what else you might do. Eccentrics are unpredictable.

There are other ways for you to try to reassure potential partners, but they may misjudge you or want different things from a relationship. That can happen to anyone. You may be able to compromise by using, for instance, whatsapp, which is encrypted. Then, when they’re more comfortable with you, you can see if they’re willing to switch to signal. If they don’t want that, you can let them know there’s topics you aren’t comfortable talking about on whatsapp. A good partner will respect this boundary- you also get to judge who’s a safe person in ways like this.

Changes in privacy should be supporting the life you want and letting you do more of that. Sometimes we realize what we were doing is riskier than we realized and have to stop, but taking risks is also part of life. You have to weigh each risk.

Going offline can help too. It gets harder to go fully offline, like how almost all places in my religion have hybrid services with zoom and cameras, with the sermon being recorded. I can’t do anything about that, but avoid speaking when it’s being recorded. People there understand I am not a criminal or someone dangerous because they have a history with me. People aren’t going to be scared of the guy who’s been volunteering in a soup kitchen with them for the last 6 months, even if he’s not on facebook. Just make those connections, advocate for your boundaries, respect other people’s, and move on when that makes you not a good fit for someone.

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First of all, your feelings are completely valid. This exhaustion is something most of us in the privacy community experience from time to time.

It can be very difficult to be aware of an issue that no one else around us seems to notice or care about.

It’s important to find a community of people who understand your privacy values. In this direction, it’s fantastic that you are already posting about this here to share with us.

Privacy Guides just launched a new resource yesterday that you might find helpful with what you are going through.

I developed it specifically to support our privacy community, and people in situations like yours. With what you describe in this post, I would encourage you to read this short tip as a starting point: Take Time to Rest, But Come Back to Fight With Us - Privacy Guides

Unfortunately, activism burnout is quite common. And, in the privacy field, this is amplified by the well-documented effect of privacy fatigue.

Additionally, the fact that we have to incessantly push against a tidal wave of new privacy-invasive legislations and technologies is understandingly exhausting. But we can adopt many strategies to prevent activism burnout, minimize privacy fatigue, and learn how to rest and valorize self-care as an essential part of our work:

Take care privacy comrade :yellow_heart:

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Yes, my form of self-care is respecting my space and time, so that I utilize it efficiently to perform tasks that matter to me. When I need breaks, I replace the tasks with low-intensity variants so that I give myself an opportunity to recover.

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Thank you all for all the replies, it helped a lot to see things from the point of view of others in this community. I’ll admit, I did make some blanket generalizations that dont represent every single person and their opinions regarding privacy, and I made this post after a certain event left me a bit emotionally distraught.

I see now that I can’t change everyone’s stance on privacy, but I can provide them with information in hopes that one day they will understand the implications of our world becoming increasingly privacy invasive, and the risks involved.

Not everyone will agree, but I’m glad that there are some that do, even if they’re online. I’m a little socially anxious, but you guys have given me the motivation to start seeking out events that are privacy related, or even privacy adjacent like cyber security or linux meet ups.

Thanks again for the advice!

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The most relevant social group you would likely be looking for are CryptoParties:

This is also closely related with the Tor Project’s Outreach and Training sections:

Other organizations I am aware of in my local area are DWeb(YVR), which are currently Mesh-curious:

These resources should be sufficient for inspiring you in the direction you want to go in, assuming advocating for privacy is still an important practice you wish to develop further.

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I think individuals in this thread did a great job on covering various aspects of this. I think one thing I wanted to add is that privacy is not single-faceted. What I mean by that is a privacy tool can accomplish multiple goals.

Think of ads - everybody hates them, but not a lot actually do something about it. If you set up DNS blocking, you can block ads, and trackers and malware - all in one swoop. When speaking with less privacy-interested individuals, I have found this works much better as now they have something they hate (ads) and a “privacy tool” aka DNS blocking fixes that problem for them.

As for people around, I agree with @FranklyFlawless about Bsides and other “hacker-esque” conferences. People are welcoming and dont care about your characteristics (gender, race, etc.)

Please do take care of your mental health! this stuff can get a lot sometimes.

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I get it. I’ve been paranoid about privacy and surveillance since the late 2000’s. It does get overwhelming sometimes and the main contributors are politicians, all of them! We’re trying to protect ourselves but it seems that Federal and State Governments don’t want to take the time to write laws that protect us! It’s infuriating that they get a salary to write legislation to protect themselves but can’t for us. I’ve had probably 40-50 data breaches and one with my Social Security number on a vendor I never heard of! So, yes, I get it.

I remember a time pre 9/11 that much of these pressures didn’t exist. Before cell phones. Even before the internet. Not any of this existed. No worries of surveillance. No worries of data breaches. No worries of politicians sending agencies to put you in some FEMA camp. At some point I had to stand up and scream “STOP.” And it dawned on me. I was voluntary participating in this.

When things were simpler, I remember when the internet was just a thing. When you had to put disks in your computer to get anything on it. The only “service” or social media was dial-up AOL. They marketed the internet as “revolutionary” and “time saving” because you didn’t have to write a check to pay bills. You didn’t have to go to the bank because you didn’t know your balance. How all these things would give you more time. Time for yourself, family, friends, life. It delivered. It was time saving. Very convenient. The only problem is that so many other “duties” were piling up so we used that “extra time” and just jammed more crap to do in it, which didn’t help get things done, it just made us more stressed. The more frustrated we were, the less we had patience for any added things we had to do. The more things we had to do, the more we just downloaded an app to handle it. Forget reading a privacy policy. I did not have time for that too! Instead of going to people’s houses and just stopping by, we endlessly text or video chatted.

I hope you can see where I’m going with this. It’s time for you to sit down and have a talk with yourself. Decide what really matters to YOU in life. What things you HAVE TO do, and what things you WANT TO do. Make a list on paper. That helps me to get crap out of my head so I can see it. It makes a difference. If I think too much without seeing or hearing it, I have no idea if it’s ridiculous or not. Make the list. Put your have to’s in your daily schedule. There’s only 4 things we really need to survive. Food, water, shelter, and at least clothes to keep us warm and not get arrested. The rest are wants. All of them! Read that again! Put work on the list if you don’t already have an income. Work is number one because, no money, no providing for your needs. Food and water breaks. You have to live somewhere. Do some basics for a while and you’ll start to notice without all the noise, you’re calmer, more peaceful. Watch TV. Keep it simple. Nothing that puts you on the edge. DON’T listen to politics. Don’t watch the news. Add things in one at a time and notice how it affects you. If it makes you crazy, dump it! If you’re on a computer or phone, read the privacy policy and decide if that convenience is worth your sanity. They’ll be a few things you’ll need but protect yourself with the privacy protections you know will help. Opt out of things you can but take the time that you’ve opened up to read an apps terms. Don’t download a ton of them. Use their websites instead of the apps so it doesnt track you every second. If you trim down all these things and add the wants slowly, you’ll soon find out how wonderful it feels to not be stressed out and you’ll be happy to preserve it. It’s not an option for me anymore to be so stressed out that I’m a lunatic. A happy, peaceful person is a joy to be around cause they make people feel good instead of stressed.

This is coming from a person that was on my phone for 12-14 hours a day. Really. It really made a difference and now I have no idea why I chose to be so stressed out. I’m not even sure when it happened. I didn’t even notice. But it did and I got a chance to see it. This might not be of any help but just in case you see any part of it in you, it will be worth it.

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